Identifying Signs of Bullying

As back-to-school season approaches, millions of parents of school-aged children will help pack their backpacks and prepare them for the academic year ahead. But parents must be prepared, too, as subtle signs at home may indicate larger problems inside the classroom or even online—their child might be a bully.

Assistant Professor of Psychology and Counseling Cameka Hazel, Ed.D., specializes in the supervision and training of professional mental health and school counselors. She is an advocate for holistic training for future counselor-educators to prepare to meet the social, emotional, and educational needs of the diverse K–12 student population effectively. Through this lens, Hazel shares insight and guidance identifying whether a child’s behavior is signifying a bigger issue, and if so, what parents can do to stop it.

What are the top signs your child might be a bully?

Tell-tale signs that a child might be a bully include:

• An increase in aggressive behaviors at home and in school. Parents should be very vigilant when their child suddenly starts getting into verbal or physical fights with their siblings or peers in school. These aggressive behaviors include hitting, threatening others, pushing others, name-calling, and yelling disrespectfully at others.
• Getting in trouble frequently at school. Parents should be concerned when they have started receiving frequent complaints from school concerning their child’s interactions with other children. This includes being sent to the principal’s office frequently, getting detention constantly, and ongoing involvement in disciplinary issues at school.
• An unhealthy choice of friends. Another sign for parents is their children having friends or being a part of groups who engage in bullying other kids in school. Children usually associate themselves with others who are like-minded or exhibit similar behavioral patterns.
• An inability to show empathy. Parents should be concerned when their child cannot empathize or sympathize with other children who are experiencing pain or distress. This shows they have a tough time caring about the feelings of their peers and would not care if they are hurting others.
• Having unexplained items in their possession. If a child has items that they can’t account for, this could suggest that they could be taking away other children’s items through acts of bullying.

What are some current slang terms that kids are using that are meant to hurt or bully others?

• “Big back” is used to body shame others who are considered overweight.
• “Outing” someone is intentionally revealing private and sensitive information about a person with the motive to hurt them publicly.
• “Flaming” is intentionally sending aggressive or hurtful messages to others.
• “Trolling” is purposefully posting information about others to cause emotional hurt.

What can parents do if they suspect their child is a bully?

There are several things that parents can do to address their child being a bully:

• Have an honest conversation with their child about this concern. Parents need to find out what triggered this behavior, when this started, and help their child understand the negative impact this can have on the child’s reputation and the emotional damage they can cause other kids.
• Set clear behavioral standards and consequences for the child if these standards are broken. Parents need to let the child know immediately that bullying is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences if this behavior continues. Parents can include disciplinary actions, such as taking away privileges or getting the child to volunteer in activities that teach empathy, among other solutions.
• Seek professional assistance, such as a mental health clinician who specializes in child and adolescent therapy, to provide skills to help the child function healthily in social settings and to address the root cause of bullying behavior.
• Work with the school to develop a behavioral and disciplinary plan.
• Parents should not use physical and aggressive punishment, as this will continue to teach the child aggression and not empathy.
• Parents should not ignore the behavior in their child but address the issue urgently because it will help their child develop positive prosocial behaviors, learn empathy, and help children learn from their mistakes.

Why do kids become bullies?

Children become bullies for several reasons:

• seeking power and control/attention
• lack of social and empathetic skills
• exposure to aggressive behaviors in the home and school environment
• peer influence
• a mental health disorder (the child lacks emotional regulation skills, appropriate social skills, and impulse control, such as ADHD, conduct disorder, or oppositional defiant disorder)
• a history of trauma (the child can always be thinking they need to be aggressive toward others or they need to defend themselves because of their past experiences)

This interview has been edited and condensed.